******* I wrote this post awhile ago and have edited it a lot. I took out a bunch of stuff. The stuff that may be funny to me and my family but not so funny to people who do not know us. The Hubbers read it and was concerned that I was "pulling back the curtain" into my life as a mom a little too far. Then he reconsidered after he thought about it and explained that while he is very private, he recognizes that I have always been an open book. He also said that is why people like me. I took the compliment and after a lot of thought of what to do... I decided to go for it. Hopefully, I only make you laugh and not question my sanity. Hopefully, if you are mom, you will relate to my confessions and feel not so crazy because you know that you are not alone in this journey called motherhood.
Now you have to wonder about all the stuff I did not tell you. I am sorry, but I can tell you that no Barber boys were injured in the writing of this blog. Also please keep in mind I love my boys more than I ever thought possible.
Recently my niece had her first Reconciliation. I am told this is kinda like a confession. I am not Catholic so, I researched it, ie asked someone. In honor of my niece Ainsley, I am confessing these Mommy sins here today.
I feel like Chunk from Goonies.... One time, I was at the movies and I made a puking sounds like this...blahhhhhaaahahaha and everyone started freaking out.. Ok not the actual lines, but a classic scene. Anyway, here goes.
When I am I tired, I will read Jacob a shorter book.
I have let Grady eat food out of his car seat and off the floor. (If he drops it) I do not feed him on the floor. Only at my house and only his car seat :) I do have some standards.
Some days I look forward to their 7:30 bedtime more than Christmas. ** Ok, almost everyday.
I told Jake I would get arrested if I left him in the car while I grabbed milk at the store. I told him he would get arrested he if he ran in the store with the cart.
I told the Pre-school teacher that Grandma is the one who taught Jacob the bad word.
When the boys are taking a bath, I sit on the floor in the bathroom and relax.
I secretly keep trying to get Jacob to make up dances with me to perform at family functions. He will not participate.
When I am having a concert in the car, it annoys me when this happens,
"Mom", "Mom", Moooommmmm".......
" What Jacob?"
"I want to drive a Jeep when I am older".
"Ok, Honey that sounds great. What color?"
I am really thinking this... Seriously? You interrupted my Broadway worthy version of Defying Gravity to tell me about a car? Someone needs to teach this kid to recognize raw talent and to have manners. Oh... wait. My job.
I have bribed the kids to eat a little tiny bit of veggies .. with an ice cream snickers bar.
I told Jacob that I wrote the ABC song and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Jacob pronounces the L sound as a W and I do not correct him because I think it is cute. Bonus points because he calls my mom, "Grandma Wiz".
I secretly throw out McDonald's toys, even if they are still in the package.
I feed my kids McDonalds.
I go to the store before I pick the boys up from the sitter.
One time I spoke in a British accent all night because I was bored.
When Jacob beats me at fruit ninja it is not because I let him win. I actually try really hard to win.
I take at least one bite out the boy's cereal, sometimes more. I buy unhealthy cereal because I like it and despite the fact that Chris and I got into one our biggest fights over unhealthy cereal when Jake was two. Guess, who only wanted to feed him healthy cereal? Me. *hangs head in shame.
We still make Jacob take a nap even though he is 6 and I know he does not always sleep. I usually just need a break.
I allowed Chris to put this picture on Facebook and I tagged myself because I think it is funny.
and seriously, he really does look like Chris Farley.
I gathered up two laundry baskets full of toys and brought them to my mom's so she would, "have fun things for them to do". It was all the toys in the house that drove Chris and I crazy.
We have never had play-doh because I think it smells weird and makes a huge mess.
I have watched Good Luck Charlie when I was alone in bed.
When there is a cuss word in a song I turn the radio all the way down and then turn it back up after they say it. Girl, can't listen to the Blues Clues CD one more time.
I often wear my pajamas, including my slippers to drop off Grady at the sitters.
We use paper plates to cut down on dishes. Sorry trees.
These confessions are sadly not all the poor choices I have made as a parent. I am sure I have scarred the boys for life more than once and will most likely continue to do so as they get older.
While we are on the subject of confession here are all the things that have come out of my mouth that I never thought I would say. Here is a short and very shocking list. I am afraid that there are more out there in the ether, but here is what I remember today.
1. "Get out of the tub Jacob, Grady pooped in it again"
2. "Wait to take out your private until you are actually in the bathroom"
3. "Wow, I love your minivan"
4. "Please stop riding the dog, he is not a horse"
5. "Sorry, I can't come over that cuts right in the middle of naptime"
6. "Call me on my brother's phone, Grady put mine in the toliet"
7. "Seriously, it is not okay to eat food out of the garbage" --- See standards, people.
8. "Stop, playing with your private, it is not a toy, and no it is NOT a guitar"
9. " Hold on a minute, Grady is on top of the Kitchen table and he is eyeing the light like a trapeze"
10. " Excuse me, I just peed my pants because I sneezed"
On a more serious note... these kids have made me laugh so hard and truly bring joy into my life. We have been blessed with two very happy boys who have the best huge Barber smiles and whole lot of my spunk.